You love children — anywhere except your wedding

SCRIPPS HOWARD

Kristal Howells-Susko loves children. Just not at her wedding. Especially after she attended a wedding three years ago in which kids were running and screaming, blowing bubbles on the dance floor, making guests slip while their oblivious parents drank and danced.

When her then-fiance, Dann, told the kids to stop, they blew bubbles in his face.

So when the Monroeville, Pa., couple were married in August 2001, they put “adults only” on their wedding invitation. Not that it stopped one couple from bringing their son anyway and another couple from RSVPing that their teenage children and their dates would attend, only to be no-shows.

“It can cause a lot of awkwardness,” said Howells-Susko, who is no stranger to wedding worries as the office manager at Cavanaugh Wedding Planner and Bridal Show Inc.

“It’s a big issue.” Planning a wedding, as everyone knows, can cause enough familial friction to fill a hotel ballroom. And in an era when some people take their kids everywhere, the whole kid/no-kid issue can be one of the most combustible matters.

So if you get a wedding invitation soon with “adults only” written on it, don’t be surprised if there is some underlying drama behind it.

Deb Waterkotte, a wedding consultant for The Planner, remembers one wedding in which the bride’s sister, a bridesmaid, threatened to walk out of the wedding unless her two girls were put into the wedding. The ultimatum worked. The bride lost. The little flower girls marched down the aisle.

Many couples have strong opinions on whether they want kids at their wedding. “It is usually a black-or-white issue,” said Donna Graham, owner of Always and Forever Inc. Wedding Consultants. “When they come to me, they knew all their lives whether they wanted children at their wedding or not.”

But some brides couldn’t imagine getting married without children around. The brides are so intent on a wedding with children that they even borrow them if there are no kids in their own family.

“They search out neighbors who have 4- or 5-year-olds who are cute so they can be flower girls and ring bearers,” Waterkotte said. “They want to complete the wedding picture.”

In some cases it is too prohibitively expensive to include all the children in a big family. “You pay $70 to $100 per person and $35 for a child for chicken nuggets, and all they do is take alcohol out of it for children,” Waterkotte said.

“If you have 10 children, that’s $350.” Hard feelings also surface when children are banned, and some guests conveniently ignore the “Adults Only” on the invitation and bring them anyway.

“It can escalate into a nightmare,” Graham said. “People say, ‘They brought their kids. Why can’t I bring mine?’ You can’t call people and say, ‘Don’t bring your kids.’ You can’t educate the world by being mean.”

But Henriette Clark, owner of Clark and Associates, event planner and consultant, sometimes calls guests who have RSVP’d with their children who were not invited. She is gentle but firm: “We would love to include everyone. But there is only room for so many. We had to go with the people who were most special to us.” People are shocked that they were confronted on their breach of etiquette. “You get the dirty looks the day of the wedding,” she said.

Clark tells brides it is fine to keep children out of their wedding, but she encourages them to accommodate out-of-town guests by setting up a kids’ party staffed with baby sitters. That way everyone is happy.

Bob Sendall, a high-end event planner, encourages people to have children in the wedding ceremony because “they bring a personalized, loving touch.” But he doesn’t think they should eat dinner at the elegant high-end receptions he plans.

Instead, he tries to talk couples into letting a baby sitter entertain them in a separate room.

But some brides insist on kids at elegant country-club receptions. That was the case two years ago when he planned a reception, complete with caviar, smoked salmon and tenderloins of veal. Everything was perfect –– the bride was glowing in a strapless champagne-colored Vera Wang gown, the flowers were resplendent, and the best man was making a moving toast.

Then suddenly, a terrible retching sound silenced the room. A little boy, who had been running around and grabbing food, vomited. “It was awful,” Sendall said. “They had to bring in fans and carpet cleaner. I was livid. Why do they let kids come to a formal black-tie wedding? Some people insist on taking their kids everywhere. But there is a place for kids and there is a place not for kids.”